In a World Where It's Suddenly Cool to Hate Carrie, I Still Love Her

here's why

I feel like I can’t read one blog or magazine these days that doesn’t talk about how awful our once-beloved Carrie Bradshaw is. She’s been called everything from a narcissist to a walking red flag to a chaotic mess and I couldn’t help but wonder — are the women who suddenly hate Carrie so much just mad at themselves?

Stay with me. When Sex and The City first aired in 1998, television had never seen a show with a female protagonist like Sarah Jessica Parker’s character. She was messy and self-destructive but she was also living the New York dream. A magazine columnist with a rent-controlled Manhattan apartment, a closet full of fabulous clothes that only she could ever pull off (despite the constant attempts by the girlies on TikTok), and a group of supportive, Cosmopolitan-drinking friends who always had each other’s backs. Sure, she was chasing Big all around town (believe me, I also cringe every single time I see her in that church scene), and yes she was pretty shitty to Aiden (but he was kind of a dick at times too, let’s be real). But very thing that made us all fall so in love with Carrie was the fact that she was a mirror.

We’ve all chased an emotionally unavailable man. We’ve all pushed away the nice guy. And in 1999, those were pretty much the extent of our relationship woes.

But the dating landscape has changed and things are more confusing than ever these days. Dating apps have completely revolutionized romance by providing endless options which can feel dehumanizing. Ethical non-monogamy and polyamory have now taken starring roles in the world of relationships (which is a fresh hell for anyone with an anxious attachment style). And it feels like people’s unapologetic expectations of one other has made dating feel like more of an exhausting war zone than a flirtatious playground. It’s no wonder we’re all so fucking tired and angry. It’s not fun anymore!

And now, with our shiny new rule books and therapy-speak, we’re quick to shit all over Carrie for her unhinged ways, and maybe that’s because it’s easier to hate on a fictional character than really unpack the version of ourselves that is just as confused as she was back then. (It’s like the blind leading the blind, isn’t it Sam?)

In her essay, Carri Bradshaw Lied to Me, the author writes about evolving past the flaws that made Carrie so relatable. She suggests that “love shouldn’t look like uncertainty” and while I see where she’s going with this, I want to offer another point of view — maybe love doesn’t have one definition. Maybe, just maybe, love is whatever it means to you.

As a 44-year old woman who spent the entirety of my 20’s in a serious (yet tumutuous) relationship, was then married to a wonderful man for ten years and divorced with no drama (we simply grew apart and still remain great friends), and has since dated many men both short and long term, I think I’m in a position to say that relationships are extremely personal and nuanced. Barring physical and emotional abuse, I really don’t think it’s anyone’s business to judge, dictate, or define what relationships should look like. In fact, I’ll take this a step further and tell you that I think our relationship karma is a deeply spiritual assignment.

Sure, it would be lovely to tell that fuck boy to fuck off the first time he tells you he doesn’t want to commit to you after you’ve been having weekly sleep overs and dinner dates for a month. It would be great to feel absolutely nothing when the love of your life’s name pops up on your phone on random Thursday night three months after you’ve broken up. But we aren’t robots. We’re women. We feel deeply and we love hard. It’s a fantasy to think we can approach love with a playbook — maybe even more of a fantasy than Carrie living in a $700 a month New York City apartment.

I’m in no way suggesting we settle for subpar men, or remain in relationships that bleed us dry. But I am a hopeful romantic who at my core truly believes in love, even when I’m on my man-hating 4B energy (IYKYK). And with the pursuit of love comes some messy moments. It comes with making mistakes (sometimes usually twice). It comes with endlessly forgiving ourselves.

One thing I love about Carrie? She owns it. She knows we’re going to fuck up and she is wise enough to know that those moments are the ones that shape us. Her quote from Season 6 has stayed with me forever: “Maybe mistakes are what make our fate... without them what would shape our lives? Maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, have babies, or be who we are.”

And what I love most about her? Girlfriend knows how to reflect. Her iconic computer moments where she couldn’t help but wonder are what made the show was it was — a place for us to contemplate relationships. I’d argue Carrie wasn’t as crazy as the internet thinks. She was simply figuring out who she was and what she wanted. Aren’t we all?

PS - If you’re also a Carrie, then be sure to check out my latest book, Don’t Do Anything I Would Do. It’s out in paperback soon but you can get a sneak peek of my own unhinged tales right here on my Substack.