True Life: I'm Addicted to Psychics

and you can't stop me

I have something to tell you. I fucking love psychics.

Mediums. Clairvoyants. Witches. Women who sit on YouTube all day doing zodiac-based Tarot card readings with vague titles like, “TAURUS! THE WAIT IS OVER. A NEW BEGINNING IS HERE!” Women who charge me $200 for a FaceTime session to tell me that “a balding man with the letter J somewhere in his name” will be appearing in my life sometime in the fall. I can’t get enough.

Listen, I know it sounds ridiculous and it can’t all be true (it hasn’t all been true) but there is something so damn seductive about the spiritual world. There is something about having access to someone who claims to have a portal into the future, someone who can quell our anxiety or spark our hope.

My obsession with the occult traces back to my teenaged years where I became awestruck by an infomerical alerting viewers that they, too, could start their very own business as a phone psychic if they simply called the 1-900 number on the screen and ordered the free brochure to learn more. And naturally, I did. When the catalog arrived I turned it over and upside down and read the back and realized that this was a dual training; you could become a tarot card reader/phone sex operator all in one fell swoop. Of course, I was underage and of course, I had zero interest in getting weird losers off on the phone (plus I was a virgin and had never even seen a dick). So the dream of running my own Psychic Friends Network evaporated but I still remained fascinated with all things supernatural. I definitely got in trouble for calling Miss Cleo a few times.

Do you remember that scene in Reality Bites when Wynona Ryder’s character, Lainey, runs up a $400 phone bill calling the Psychic Hotline? Few movie moments have ever struck more of a chord with me.

My psychic addiction definitely got a little out of control in 2022 when I discovered “Lady Rhea the Witch Queen of New York City” who makes these homemade “enchanted candles” that she infuses spells and intentions into. At the time I was hopping from one situationship to the next, desperate to find real love and convinced that if I kept lighting my Spellbound candle I could influence a man who didn’t even know my last name to fall madly in love with me — or at least text me regularly. I want to tell you that I didn’t hire an Etsy witch to cast a $10 obsession spell on him but I would be lying (I totally did and guess what? He did reach out to me like 2 weeks afterward so I consider that a win lol). Don’t worry — we’re really going to dig into all of this in my new book.

I have been to countless mediums, psychics, energy healers, tarot card readers — you name it — through the years and a lot of shit has come true! I know deep down I hold all the answers to the questions I have (and bla bla bla), yet still, I have two sessions booked for next week: one with Gina (we meet about 2-3x per year) and one with a friend who does a tarot spread and chakra balancing. I’ve learned to “take what resonates and leave the rest” and to go in to all of my readings with an open mind.

I haven’t burned a love candle in quite some time, and I haven’t hired any Etsy witches recently, as I’ve toned down the aggressive witchcraft and spellwork in my day to day life lol. But I still do love the idea that some bigger force is at play in our lives, and that maybe, just maybe, a YouTube psyshic or a witch from The Bronx with special powers can clue me in or confirm a few things for me. It might not sound logical to most, but I was never interested in logic anyway.